Do you have two or more children? Or maybe your beloved only child is about to have a brother or sister? Just like every mother, I am sure you want your children to live in harmony, mutual respect and love. Yet the reality tends to be different, with them yelling, crying and fighting for toys, where engaging in physical violence may even become a part of your daily life. How can you raise siblings to become young people who will support and respect each other their whole lives rather than becoming enemies? How can you alleviate tensions, and reconcile difficult characters and age differences?

Every child is different

The relationship between siblings is influenced by a number of factors, the most important one being whether the children are approached by their parents as individual beings. Every child is a separate, unique person with their own temperament, character, interests and views. Always remember to treat them as such. If not, then your children will start drawing comparisons between each other, which leads to jealousy, low self-esteem and a feeling of being misunderstood. Reinforce the sense of uniqueness and self-esteem in your children. Never compare them or use labels (“John is a little devil,” “Sophie is such a princess,” “Andy likes to cry”). Refrain from favouritism, even in jokes. Remember that children receive even the most subtle signals.

Never underestimate the atmosphere at home

Another incredibly important factor in raising siblings is the general atmosphere at home, and whether the parents or other household members lead by example. The perfect home is of course a myth, and arguments can happen even in the most harmonious families, but if children are surrounded by love, a sense of security and mutual respect on a daily basis, they gain a model which they can subconsciously follow. A calm and peaceful environment offers the solace and refuge that their still developing nervous systems need so much. In such conditions, it is much easier for them to communicate, even with their siblings.

The beginning is half of every action, when preparing your child for new siblings

Having a new baby brother or sister may be quite a challenge for a child. Their approach to this change largely determines their initial relationship with their sibling. So do your best to properly prepare your child for this event, and when the new baby arrives, treat your other child gently and with care.

• Start preparing the child for the birth of their brother or sister as soon as you learn you are pregnant.
• Explain that no major fireworks or fun with the brother or sister can be expected at first, as the baby will mainly eat and sleep.
• If you still breastfeed an older child, do not wean it suddenly just before giving birth to the next child. It will be jealous about access to milk and to you.
• Try not to idealise the new-born, and avoid asymmetry in your treatment of the siblings.
  It is obvious that the baby will require plenty of your attention, but the older child has great needs too. They can very easily feel neglected, unimportant or lonely. Try to find time during the day to devote only to the older child. Just the two of you together.
• Do not burden the older child with looking after the newborn. If the older child is the one showing initiative, it is great but do not let it feel responsible for the whole situation. The general atmosphere at home is also important. A crying baby attracting the attention of the whole family may be overwhelming for the other child. Try to create a space for the older child where they can find refuge from all this domestic chaos.

What should you do if there is conflict?

Well. Let’s say that the baby is now a few years old and you have two or more children at home who fight with each other on a daily basis. Before we share a few tips on how to handle the fights, first a few words about conflicts. First and foremost: they are natural! They have an important socialising function. During even the fiercest arguments children learn to negotiate, set their own boundaries and solve problems on their own. Your task as their mum is not to completely eliminate conflicts from the lives of your children but to respond appropriately when they happen.

What should you do when your children are fighting?

• Do not be a sheriff by first interrogating them to find out who started and then picks sides.
• Let the children resolve issues and reach agreement in their own conflict. You can only act as a mediator. Children like to be given space for independent decision-making and suggest their own solutions.
• Do not interfere unless there is aggression or violence. Immediately stop the fight, separate the children and let them cool off a little (preferably in separate rooms). Once they do, stay calm as you describe the situation, explain to the children why their behaviour was bad and ask them how they plan to resolve the problem.
• Do not label the siblings as the victim and the offender, never say to one of them: “you should give in, you are smarter than that/older” because this way you are supporting the current balance of power and you are additionally reinforcing negative models of behaviour.
• Let your children fully experience their emotions. Teach them to name their feelings – this will make it easier for them to communicate with each other.
• If they are fighting for toys, a cartoon or access to the tablet/computer, set the general rules for them to follow. For example: agree that one child may play the tablet for 15 minutes and then they have to switch (you can agree the time according to the arms of the clock or set the alarm on the phone); or the children play “rock paper scissors,” the winner picks the cartoon, and then the other child chooses the next one.

Age difference and possible upbringing problems

• when the difference is less than 3 years

Such children have similar needs. Problems can appear just after the birth of the youngest child – the older child may be jealous of the baby and its closeness to the parents. After this initial stage of life, children can become a physical threat to each other. This is because it is too early for them to have a highly developed awareness of their own body, and since they communicate mainly through gestures, which may be overly energetic and powerful, they may accidentally hurt each other. Parents must be extra alert during that period.

• when the difference is 3 to 5 years

In such a situation, a young child often idolises the older siblings, tending to imitate them in every respect, something which the older one may find annoying. It is important not to force the older child to spend time and share their world and their friends with their younger brother or sister. Having to take a younger sibling outside or to a friend is one of the most common sources of conflict in their relationship. The older child slowly wants to have its own life. Besides, siblings with an age difference of several years often fight for toys, various types of goods, access to a computer or space (especially if they share a room). Give children the right to have their own belongings and at the same time convince them to use shared property.

• when the age difference is large

That is 7, 10 or more years. In this case, we are speaking of two completely different worlds. One is that of a teenager and the other that of a baby, who needs tremendous attention from the parents. The arrival of a newborn can turn the previously organised and stable life of the older child upside down. The baby’s crying and omnipresence can make it hard for the big brother or sister to sleep, rest and study. There is also often frustration connected with new duties, such as supporting the parents in looking after the baby. Try to fully understand the perspective of the older child, give them as comfortable living and growth conditions as possible and refrain from burdening them with caring for the younger sibling. It is not their task, just like the arrival of the new person was not their decision. Always keep that in mind.